Yesterday and tonight I had  two meetings with a spiritual teacher, one of the most popular Indian gurus Maharaj Kamal Bir Jee (he is on the right on the picture below). My doctors arranged a private audience with him for me yesterday when he came to Dharamsala for an annual preach, which gathered over six thousand people. I had to wait for three hours whilst he was seeing others, then resting and having dinner, but eventually whilst he was having his banana for dessert I was ushered in the room he stayed in.

He was sitting on a large bed, all in white clothes to the white socks (two for each foot), his pale orange headdress lying next to him. He is a big white bearded man in his seventies with a bunch of his hair tightly tied by a ribbon on his head top. Black piercing but not intimidating eyes. Tired, his right hand trembling, but with rather young and energetic voice. He heard everything very well, though used his students (my doctors) as interpreters from my English into… my English.

I sat on the floor, cross-legged and proud that I could sit cross-legged after only three weeks in India as it used to be very painful before.

‘Ask your questions’, he said. So I did.

I must say that when a couple of days ago my doctor first offered me to see the guru, I thought I would ask him what I shall do next in my professional life. I have two options but I cannot really choose and has been driving me mad for the past few months.

Then, I came to the house where the guru was staying and I waited for him for three hours. And during these three hours my mind nearly exploded, I started thinking about money, about what to do when I am back to London, I was thinking about my spending, making up my budget, going on to decide how to save and whether I really should save (like living in my campervan for a while) but then recalling all those couches saying that you need to get yourself in the mind of a wealthy person to become one, so living in a camper-van did not look like an option should I follow their advice. Anyway, it was anxiety very close to panic and something I have not experienced for the past three weeks here in India. It was strange.

But the nearer was the time to see the guru, the clearer I realised that my question is rubbish and at best he is not going to answer it. So I came up with two other questions: where to find myself? and whether our life is predestined?

Our first meeting lasted almost 40 minutes. The main ideas:

• Everything and everyone is from God.
• He is the ocean and all humans are drops from the same ocean.
• Languages, cultures, traditions are from our minds, not our souls. We should keep reminding ourselves that we are all the same, there is no difference between us (and answering to my question: we are not unique in any way).
• We should live in present, there is no point in going into the past or future, as all is done according to His will.
• We should just accept it and be peaceful.
• Our mind will never accept it on its’ own, it wants turbulence, chaos, be in control.
• We should take control of our mind.
• To do this we should close our eyes, see the darkness and then ask: “Who am I?” and keep asking till we get a signal. We’ll immediately recognise this signal and thus will be able to find our true selves. When we’ve found our spirits, we’ll be able to  control our mind, find peace and live good lives.
• Our inner spirit will also be able to answer our questions and these are the answers we should listen to, not what our mind tells us.
• Answering my question of why we need the mind then? the guru said that the mind is needed to fulfil what the spirit says. For example, it was predestined for me to come from Russia to the UK and from the UK to India. And for both him and me to come to Dharamsala at the same time. The mind is the one though who ordered tickets, made me go by train to the airport, pass the border control etc.

During the meeting I felt very good and thought that these simple things are very wise in their simplicity. Then I returned to the clinic and felt very sad because if everything is predestined it means that nothing depends on me, so there is no point in doing anything – very depressive thoughts. And so I asked my doctor to arrange me another meeting with the guru, which happened a few hours ago.

This time my questions were: how can one be joyful if his/her life is predestined? And does our life/God send us any signs which we should decipher (in my case, I asked him about tongue cancer – why was my tongue targeted, not stomach or skin for example)?

• The guru suggested that it was my mind that made me sad as it would not allow me to change anything. In reality, once it is under control my life should become joyful and happy, I should live in present and be happy, the rest will be done by God. Should I admit and trust that God does everything according to His plan, I have positive emotions and these will bring everything I need and want.
• God doesn’t send us any signals or signs. He can send punishment for misdeeds in previous lives, for which we should just ask forgiveness and then forget. So again, in my case, I should just say sorry for having offended someone in one of my past lives and then forget about this and the cancer.

That’s what the meeting with the guru was. On Wednesday I hope to see His Holiness Dalai Lama and then an Ayurvedic astrologist.